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Attachment Parenting part 3
2-21-2018
Over the past two columns, we’ve looked at psychologist Gordon Neufeld’s attachment parenting model. In Neufeld’s view, attachment is like the roots of a plant - attachment anchors children to responsible and caring adults who diligently nourish growth and development. We’ve reviewed the first four roots of attachment: 1) using the body’s senses to stay physical close, 2) promoting sameness by doing things together, 3) creating belonging within the family through routines and rituals, and 4) reinforcing significance by showing how you value your child. This week, we’ll examine the final two stages: 5) feeling love, and 6) being known.
Around five years old, children are able to understand and express love. Warm and affectionate feelings help to develop emotional intimacy that further strengthens the child/parent bond. The child begins to give his heart to those whom he is attached. This is a very vulnerable time as placing one’s heart into the care of another means it can be hurt - deeply and with lifelong ramifications. Neufeld likens this vulnerability to riding in a taxi. Can I trust this person to safely deliver me to my destination? He goes on to explain, “when we are dependent on another person we scan and look for signs that our trust and care is well placed. Is there something solid in this person that we can lean against and find fertile ground in?” Do our children believe in our capacity to love them for who they are? As corny as it sounds, a simple way to remind children and teens that they are loved is to draw hearts for them. When writing a note or sending a text, sign off with a heart.
This “giving of the heart” leads to the sixth and final stage of attachment: being known. Part of trusting someone with your heart is feeling safe enough to share your deepest thoughts and feelings that lie protected from the outside world within your heart. Neufeld calls this psychological intimacy - the powerful sense of closeness and connection that comes from feeling truly known. Being known is being heard and seen and accepted for who you are. The hallmark of this stage is feeling safe enough to reveal secrets. When deeply attached, children don’t like to keep things hidden because they seek being close. Revealing a secret, especially when it involves hope, fear, or shame, is extraordinarily vulnerable. Of all the attachment stages, this one is the most fragile with many children and adults never developing it fully. One way to open the door for your child to share their innermost thoughts is to share what you were going through when you were their age. What hopes, fears, or feelings of shame did you experience? What got you through?
Of course, especially with teens, sometimes the secrets revealed can be distressing or alarming. As parents its important to be mindful of your reaction regardless of the subject matter. The key to remaining attached is to pause any anger or sadness you feel, and first respond to the fact that your child is trusting you in this moment with something that weighs heavy on his or her heart. Affirm the courage it took to reveal the secret. Remind him or her that you will always love them, even when mistakes are made - big or small. Ask what you can do to help him or her get through the situation. The issue will still need to be dealt with, but through focusing on the attachment first, you will be in a better position to help your child take on the responsibility of resolving the problem. Leaving a child or teen to feel alone in their distress worsens the situation and can lead to disastrous consequences.
Neufeld summarizes attachment as “the invitation to exist in another’s presence, to be seen and loved for who one is, and to feel a sense of belonging, loyalty, and similarity to those they are connected to.” Children are meant to attach to the adults who are responsible for them. Helping your child develop a secure attachment is one of the most important things you can do as a parent. It becomes the foundation for all their relationships throughout life. You are your child’s best bet.
For more information about attachment and other aspects of raising children, along with details regarding the upcoming Neufeld Institute Conference on April 13-14 in Richmond, BC, visit https://neufeldinstitute.org/. Zainab Dhanani can be reached at z_dhanani@yahoo.ca.
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