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Attachment Parenting Part 2
2-06-2018
The modern world excels at enticing children away from parents and families. Video games, TV shows, apps, and social media platforms are cleverly designed to capture and keep their attention. When children are young, we fret if they don’t seem to have friends. Then when they’re teens, we worry about the excessive amount of time they spend with friends face-to-face and online. Its becoming harder for parents to compete with these outside influences, but psychologist Gordon Neufeld advocates for parents to always be on the look out for ways to build stronger relationships and to never give up.
In Neufeld’s Attachment Parenting program, he outlines six dimensions of attachment. Under the right conditions, children naturally move through these stages within the first six years of life. Fortunately, its never too late to study these basic core human needs in order to draw insight and inspiration that can strengthen the parent and child bond at any age.
In the last column, we learned about the two attachment needs: for children to feel physically close by being with us, and, for them to be feel sameness by engaging in activities together. This week, we’ll study the next two dimensions: the power of belonging and the importance of significance.
Belonging: Around age three, children start to understand they are both separate individuals and members of groups. At this age, survival is dependent on being accepted and cared for by others. Problems develop when children and teens transfer their primary sense of belonging away from parents and onto peers, who may not have the skills needed to safeguard their well-being; or to others, who may not have their best interests at heart. Group memberships is often demonstrated through loyalty - by agreeing with, standing up for, and obeying the leader. Children and teens who look to groups outside of their families to meet the need of belonging can easily be influenced and manipulated.
Creating family routines, rituals, and traditions can increase a child’s sense of belonging. Family routines provide an anchor in a chaotic world. Routines are dependable and relieve anxiety about what happens next and the child’s role. Rituals and traditions create what Neufeld calls, a family culture of attachment, by saying and showing, “You are one of us and this is how we celebrate our togetherness.”
Significance: Around age four, children notice that people hold close what they find precious. In response, they try to be endearing. At this age, they desire to be special in the eyes of their parents. They want to matter. Neufeld says this need to be significant is an especially vulnerable. To be rejected is deeply hurtful. To be pushed aside by your parent, whom you love and depend upon, is especially wounding.
This does not mean parents need to hover at their child’s side heaping praise. It means letting your child know you value them. It means saying and showing that you hold them dear. That they are important and irreplaceable. Parents can adopt a “notice, name, and nurture” mindset. Notice what your child is doing that tugs at your heartstrings. Name it with age-appropriate vocabulary. Nurture it by showing approval and encouraging repetition. If you are not sure where to start, imagine what you will miss most when your child is an adult. “When you’re grown, I’m going to miss reading bedtime stories together. This snuggle time together is really special to me. I hope we can keep reading together for a long time.” When your child knows that they matter to you they can go forth to the world with confidence.
Neufeld asks parents to firmly believe you are your child’s “best bet.” Of all the people your child or teen comes into contact with and all the innumerable electronic devices and other distractions vying for his or her time and mind; you are the parent. Therefore, you are ideally positioned to safeguard his or her well-being by guiding moral, physical, intellectual, and social development. You do this by remaining attached so that your child trusts he or she can rely on you, not to take advantage of you, but to be raised by you to be a healthy, competent, compassionate adult. By recognizing and promoting the attachment needs of being physically close, finding ways to show sameness, creating a sense of belonging first and foremost within the family, and letting your child know he or she truly matters, you strengthen your connection and remain an essential part of his or her life.
Zainab Dhanani can be reached at z_dhanani@yahoo.ca
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