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Attachment Parenting
1-24-2018
Technology, with it’s omnipresent reach, is changing how we connect with each other. Face-to-face time is replaced with screen time. Long conversations are held via text messages, complete with emphasizing emojis. People connect through Facebook which has 2 billion active users. If you don’t want personal interaction, you can spend your time on Youtube which has over 1 billion users who watch over 3 billion hours of video each month. Technology is inviting. We are drawn to it. We all have stories of toddlers who can barely even walk, yet they can figure out how to use an iPad, and cry dramatically when it’s taken away. It’s hard to outmaneuver such enticing competition.
Psychologists Gordon Neufeld and Deborah MacNamara challenge parents to mimic this aspect of technology in that we too should be so inviting and enticing that our children want to spend time with us. It starts with believing that we are what our children need most. Not new devices, the latest game cartridge, or more online time. Our children need to be attached to us. Not in a clingy needy way, but in a healthy parent-child relationship where children and teens look to us for guidance, well-being, and love.
MacNamara urges, “We need to invite our children to depend on us in ways that make us irreplaceable. We need to be the ones to listen to their stories, to impart our values, and to teach them something only we can share. We need to create rules and rituals that will preserve our parental relationship and our ability to hold on to our relationship with them. The number one thing we need to remember when raising children in a digital age is to let nothing come between us.”
To help parents understand what it takes to develop strong parent-child relationships, Neufeld developed a model with six-stages. Ideally, children advance through the stages within their first six years of life - prime formative years, but, thankfully, it is never too late to reform a relationship.
Attachment starts with the senses. Neufeld explains, a child seeks to be WITH those they are attached to: to be in touch, to be in sight, to be in hearing, to be in smell. The journey of attachment begins with touch and closeness. The fundamental problem is how to hold on when you are apart. Digital devices pretend to provide an instant answer to this basic human problem of physical separation, but they are an empty shell. We need to let our children know we adore it when they are next to us. Neufeld talks about “warm eyes” - that twinkle when we see someone we are totally enamoured with. Start by consciously greeting your child with “warm eyes.” Look for signs that they are receptive to your touch - a hug at bedtime, a foot massage when watching TV, even a high-five when passing in the hallway. One steadfast rule is, that if your child initiatives contact - i.e. asks for a hug, you let him or her be the one who breaks contact. Think of it like recharging a phone, you want to hug your child long enough for him or her to feel 100% full.
The second stage features the idea of SAMENESS. At around age two, children want to be like their parents. They mimic words and try to act like an adult. It may be hard to imagine a teenager saying they want to be just like their parents, but when we put extra attention into shared interests or activities we are nurturing this vital sense of sameness. The key is to actively participate with your child and to enjoy doing it. Play a game of hockey or basketball together. Collect stickers, coins, or Pokemon cards together (Pokemon cards are quite creative once you study them). Buy a plant and tend to it together. Read the same book or watch the same movie and talk about it. Share clothes or accessories. Let them teach you how to play a video game and then keep them updated on your progress. Concentrate on finding things that link you TOGETHER in happiness.
The digital world is captivating. It provides non-stop, unquestioning entertainment. It seems to make staying in contact easy. But what is lost is the essential human touch. When we strengthen our parent-child relationship their attachment to technology shrinks as they give their hearts and time to us. We’ll continue to look at strategies for attachment in the next column.
Zainab Dhanani can be reached at z_dhanani@yahoo.ca
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