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Summer Reconnecting
8-09-2016
In the past two columns we’ve examined the work of psychologist Gordon Neufeld. His book, along with co-author Gabor Mate, “Hold on to Your Kids” is a wealth of parenting reassurance. The authors stress the importance of parents purposely remaining intimately involved in their children’s lives. They remind us that it is the parents’ responsibility to keep our children close and attached. We are the ones entrusted with giving them a sense of self; guiding them through the pitfalls of life; helping them to distinguish between ideal, mediocre and disastrous; believing in them; and no matter what, providing unconditional love. Often in our hectic society, children turn to peers for a sense of belonging. It’s worthwhile to remember, children ‘like’ to have friends, but they absolutely ‘need’ parents who assume responsibility to hold on to them.
Summer is the perfect time for parents, especially fathers, to reconnect with their children. The lazy unstructured days practically beg for family time. Take advantage of the long summer days to not only create family memories but to build a stronger relationship. Your children deserve it.
Bring out the hammer: Driving a nail deep into a piece of lumber through your own brute strength is empowering for children of all ages. Building something is gratifying on a very primordial level. It doesn’t really matter what you end up creating, from a birdhouse to a tree house, the very process of building is almost guaranteed to draw parents and child together. Plus, your finished project will be a tangible testament of your commitment to each other.
Get Growing: Other than the obligatory bean seeds planted in school, few children nowadays have the satisfaction of growing any of their own food. Time spent together planting, weeding, watering and harvesting a small family garden will pay off in a multitude of ways. Busy hands loosen tongues. Somehow the combination of working with nature and having a set task frees the child’s inhibitions and they start to reveal their inner thoughts. By gardening together you stand to reap not only nutritious vegetables, but also a healthy insight into your children’s lives.
Say Cheese: Children are naturally photogenic so grab your phone and start snapping. They will probably surprise you with their creativity. Produce a documentary of a typical day or a travel log of your neighbourhood. Create a stop motion animated film using toys and household objects. Dress up in wacky costumes and recreate historical or family events. Let loose and have fun together. Just imagine the hilarity of future family reunions when you dust off these old photos and videos.
Have a Ball: Take advantage of the warm summer evenings to play a sport. Anything goes—hit a bucket of golf balls at a driving range; play a quick game of H-O-R-S-E on the basketball court; kick a soccer ball around the backyard or attempt a hockey shoot out using the garage door as a goal. By having fun together, everyone wins.
Dust off the Board Games: Some families have forgotten the simply pleasure of playing a board game or assembling a puzzle. We’ll passively spend hours watching TV or surfing the Internet, but then somehow feel that playing a child’s game is a waste of time. Don’t deny your child the happy memories of getting the Princess Lolly card in Candy Land; buying a hotel on Board Walk in Monopoly; winning UNO with a Draw 4 Wild Card or snapping the last puzzle piece into place. These simple pleasures cost very little but are truly priceless.
What’s the Word?: Playing word association games is an easy way to initiate conversations with even the most reluctant children. Simply take turns picking any word and responding with a memory associated with the word. For example, ‘nail’ may be the time you were exploring in your grandpa’s old tool shed and stepped on a rusty nail that went right through your runners puncturing your heel. Sometimes these little vignettes will prompt your children to ask more about your childhood. We forget that children only know our ‘adult’ self. They aren’t privy to our early life unless we invite them in.
Reconnecting with your children over the summer doesn’t have to be expensive or laborious. Think back to your favourite childhood memories and use them as starting points to strengthen your relationship. It’s the simple things in life that we cherish the most. Arrange summer activities that keep your children’s hearts close to yours—physically and emotionally.
“Hold on to Your Kids” by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate is a fascinating book that invites parents to rethink how as a society we are encouraging children to bond more with peers than with parents. Zainab Dhanani can be contacted at z_dhanani@yahoo.ca
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