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Collecting our Children
6-28-2016
Summer is perfect for bonding with your children but often they are more excited about spending time with friends than with family. Local authors Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate come to the rescue with tips on building stronger relationships in “Hold on to your Kids.”
We live in culturally chaotic times where children and youth are being pulled in a multitude directions. Daily they experience more distractions and seductions than ever before. This makes it paramount that the relationship with our teenagers remains as rock solid as it was when they were tiny tots.
Neufeld and Mate encourage parents to focus on 'collecting children'--repeatedly drawing them under your wing and making them want to belong to you and with you. Think about how automatic and spontaneous your joy was for long-awaited newborn. Most parents can't help from reaching out and initiating contact with a little one. Strive to keep that natural instinct alive no matter what age your child is.
Collecting your child can be thought of as four interconnected processes.
First, get in your child's space in a friendly way. Use reciprocation to your advantage. Approach her with a twinkle in your eye, a smile on your face, warmth in your voice and a quick nod of acceptance; most children will mirror your actions. If she isn't able to reach back, this is all the more reason to be persistent in your enthusiasm and initiative. Often we approach our child with a demanding attitude. We're quick to point out what she needs to do, where she has gone wrong or how she can make improvements. We begin to take the relationship for granted and forget that when she was a baby, just being in her presence made us light up and reach out.
Secondly, remember to provide something for him to hold on to. With an infant, we instinctively give a finger to grasp. We need to offer this connection to our older children, not physically but figuratively. By giving something they can take to heart, we build bonds. The best things to give are attention, interest and affection. Children yearn to be reminded that they are special to us and appreciated in our life. The ultimate gift is to make the child feel invited to exist exactly as he is, to express our delight in his very being—genuinely and unconditionally.
Now work on inviting dependence. Our society is preoccupied with children becoming independent too early. In a thousand ways, we pull and push our children to grow up. In reality, we are encouraging habits that do not lead to true independence, simply independence from family and greater dependence on peers and media to guide them. True independence is the result of maturity. When parents take the responsibility of meeting genuine dependence needs, nature will provide the maturity. For infants, we happily accept their complete reliance. Extend this same attitude toward your older child. Let her know that she can trust you, count on you, lean on you, be cared for by you—not grudgingly but lovingly. There is no shortcut to true independence. By forcing our children to grow up too fast, we not only 'cut the apron strings' we inadvertently cut them out of our circle of influence.
Finally, act as your child's compass point and orientate them along a moral and upright path. Just as we protect our child from becoming lost in the mall, we need to insulate them from being lost among society's pitfalls. Because our world is changing so rapidly, it is more important than ever to summon up our confidence and assume our position as the working guidance system in our child's life. We are pretty good at guiding our toddler; providing information so he can figure out his complicated environment. In fact most parents provide a steady commentary for preschoolers: we point things out, provide names for the unknown, explain what is going to happen, where we will be, what they will be doing, and what something means. We lose this orienting instinct with older children and start to assume they can figure things out on their own. Just when life becomes overwhelmingly complicated, parents back off instead of stepping forward. Re-establish the habit of providing commentary only now make it a dialogue instead of a monologue.
Remember, no matter how resistant they may appear, your child needs you. Strengthening the relationship is always the responsibility of the parent—not the child. Consciously collect your children each and every day. They will thank you for it.
More information can be found at www.GordonNeufeld.com or www.drgaboremate.com. Zainab Dhanani can be reached at z_dhanani@yahoo.com.
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