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The Search for a Spouse: From Madness to Meaning
1-25-2016
As a Family Counsellor and Mediator, I often hear from my clients how stressful and difficult it has become for young Muslims to find suitable spouses. Given the clear condemnation of pre-marital sexual intimacy and licentious behavior, in general, getting married has never been more challenging.
The oft-cited Prophetic tradition about women being sought after for four qualities (wealth, beauty, status/ancestry and religion) is arguably one of the most misunderstood traditions in our times and ironically, has become preventative rather than facilitative for so many Muslims individuals and families in pursuing marriage. At the outset, it is important to clarify that when the Prophet Muhummad stated to his companions that women are generally married for the aforementioned qualities, this was merely the Holy Prophet stating the social norm of his time and place and therefore is descriptive, not prescriptive. Whereas so many Muslim leaders and scholars simply leave the tradition there, with little or no explanation about the heart of the hadith; namely, that one should ‘marry the woman of good religion’. The Prophet’s companions understood what he meant and sought to marry spouses for God’s sake and not worldly superficialities. The departure from this Prophetic imperative has brought innumerable hardships and challenges to Muslim couples and families.
Wealth and its amassing, so trivialized by the Holy Prophet, has arguably become the single most important criteria for so many people when searching for a spouse. Given that men have the divinely ordained responsibility of providing for women, this is more commonly a high priority for women. There is a slow change of pattern however, where more and more men are now looking for women with “earning potential”. Modern sensibilities have taken a firm hold in the hearts of believers and a steady departure from traditional manhood and chivalry is well underway.
There is no question that being physically attracted to a potential spouse has it place and cannot be denied as doing so would require the rejection of our essential nature. We are attracted to beauty and gravitate towards it. Apart from being the best of creation, the Prophet Muhummad was described as the most beautiful human being to ever walk the earth. Traditional Islamic civilizations have given the world some of the most beautiful and exquisite examples of outward beauty. By God’s grace and wisdom, however, each one of us will have our own unique perception of what physical beauty entails. Superimposing cultural perceptions of beauty upon other people (primarily parents to their children) has been nothing less than disastrous on so many levels such that a woman’s appearance alone has been enough of a reason for the suitor’s parents to seek counselling for their son – apparently, all the Fair and Lovely cream in the world cannot change people’s antiquated prejudices about female physical beauty. It seems that a woman’s looks or lack thereof is more important to a man’s parents than himself. This is to say nothing of the inner beauty that a man may find in a woman, indeed, perhaps a beauty that only he sees. Alas, his God-given intuition and preference is to be abandoned lest he not conform to the cultural comforts of another people, place and time.
Lineage and ancestry have always played an important role in the structure of society and culture, in general. This is exacerbated in tribal societies such as the Arabian Peninsula of the 7th century from where the Prophet’s mission was launched. Over time, however, the significance of ancestry has diminished in importance and tribalism and all its modern manifestations (nationalism, racism, and ethnocentrism) was something that Islam vehemently opposed, even from the earliest period. Suitability (kafaa’a) has never meant anything other than suitability concerning religious devotion and practice. The common custom of many Muslim immigrants to Canada and the U.S. of only marrying their children to other members of their ancestral tribe has no place in Islam. What many Muslims say and do in the name of suitability is nothing other than racial and ethnic prejudice guised in the language of religious jurisprudence or cultural sensitivities. There have been several cases that have been brought to my attention where a young man or girl has been on the brink of suicide because of a parentally arranged marriage between a North American-born Muslim and some foreign–found spouse who happened to share an ancestral link. The assumption that one’s ethnic stock is an indicator of marital compatibility is one of the fundamental errors of modern Muslim communities, globally.
It is not an overgeneralization to state that Muslims have lost their moral compass in regards to marriage and its perpetuity. As younger segments of the Muslim population become of age, more and more of them are finding Islam in places and people their parents would never have imagined. This renewal of religious fervor and understanding will require imams, community leaders, educators, spiritual guides to rethink much of what they previously deemed to be immutable teachings of the religion. The alternative is to remain steeped in outdated modes of ‘partner-picking’ that neither suit nor serve the Muslims of North America and their unique, diverse needs of today. By returning to the Prophetic imperative to “get the one with good religion” we place ourselves in the position, by God’s Mercy, to experience what it actually means to complete “half of one’s religion.”
Jamil Popatia is a Vancouver based Family Mediator and Counsellor as well as the founder of Mawadda, a faith-based counseling and mediation agency, which provides coaching, counselling and mediation to Canadian Muslim families and couples. He lives in Richmond, BC with his wife and two children. Jamil can be reached for comment at muwaddacounsellor@gmail.com
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