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Boundaries
7-29-2015
Sometimes children remind me of jello. They wobble around without firm self-concepts of who they are and how to interact. They seem to constantly squeeze and squish each other as they try to establish identity. Since a child’s ego is so malleable and delicate, they need our help to learn how to bring structure into their lives. By teaching how to develop proper boundaries, we give them safety to be themselves.
Boundaries are like property lines that define where you end and someone else begins. Without good interpersonal boundaries, other people feel free to trespass into your domain. Devoid of structure to preserve order, they start to steal your valuable such as self-worth, dignity, and control and leave their trash of disrespect, manipulation, and shame.
We need to help children, and ourselves, develop personal fences. Fences define boundaries. If you jump over someone’s fence, you know you have encroached onto their territory. There is no ambiguity about your right to be there. You have crossed a line and need to be prepared to accept the consequences. Many of our people have weak fences. They give away sovereignty and allow others to define them. They are afraid to take a stand, afraid of repercussions, and afraid to be themselves.
Dr. Henry Cloud in his book, “The One-Life Solution”, explains the value of developing solid boundaries.
Ownership: We know that anything inside a boundary line belongs to the property owner, and anything outside the line is owned by someone else. People with good fences feel as if their lives belong to them, and no one else. Your feelings, thoughts, choices, desires, opinions, behaviours, talents, and whatever else goes on in life exists on your property—in your mind, heart and soul. You do not disown these things by blaming others. You don’t make choices and then act like the consequences are not your fault. You own your life, opportunities, successes, failures, fears, and everything else that exists on your side of the fence.
Control: Once we know who owns something, we know who controls it. Owners get to do whatever they want on their own property. While you can’t control your neighbours, you can certainly control your reactions to their antics. You learn to master yourself. You live by your own standards, regardless of the behaviour of others. You are true to yourself and your higher values.
Freedom: This self-control of your own property gives rise to the concept of freedom. It is totally your choice what to do in life. No one can dictate that to you, only you can decide. You make the choice and reap the reward.
Responsibility, Accountability, and Consequences: Once we know who owns the property and who is in control of it, we also know who is responsible for what goes on there. Ownership, control, and freedom all come with responsibility, accountability, and consequences. You can do what you want, but you also need to be willing to collect the consequences of what you choose to do, good or bad. You are not a victim. You consciously decide and then embrace the outcome.
Limits: If you own your property and are free to control what goes on there, then you are also free to limit what goes on there. If people trespass or do something that you do not wish, then you ask them to leave. It is up to you to take control and set limits of what you will and will not allow.
Protection: When you know where your boundaries and limits are, and you are in control of that property, then you can keep the good things in and the bad things out. Your boundaries protect the things that are valuable to you—your treasures—and you want them to stay inside, safe from the forces that might come and steal or destroy them. When you are in control, you unapologetically stand up to people or circumstances that threaten to hurt. You are neither passive nor aggressive but you are diligent in your self-protection.
Observe yourself. Do you routinely allow bad things to be dumped on you? Can you rebound with a sense of dignity? Do you allow others to get inside the fence that protects your heart, mind, and soul? Do you have attitudes, values, and behaviours that give your life structure and security? Role modeling through our own awareness of personal boundaries is essential in helping our children develop theirs. Start building today.
This column is a reprint originally published in March 2011. Zainab Dhanani can be reached at z_dhanani@yahoo.ca
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