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Lessons my Mother Taught Me
5-05-2015
As Mother’s Day approaches, my thoughts turn to my own mother who passed away nearly 20 years ago. She was a city girl who fell in love with a country boy. In many ways, she was ill suited for the toil filled, muddy, unpredictable life of being a farmer’s wife, but she made the best of it. She conducted herself with a quiet dignity, usually in the background making sure everything got done and that everyone was taken care of. Obviously, one of the main roles of parenting is teaching our children. Sometimes the lessons are explicit and direct, but often they are subtle and unspoken. We know what our parents stand for, what their core values are, by the way they act. I know my mom gave me lots of sound advice, but what I can’t recall any of her actual words. What I do remember is how she lived her life day by day. It’s the memory of the small things that stay with me, and from which I extrapolate meaning. Here is a sample of what my mother taught me.
Take Pride in your Talents: My mother was an excellent seamstress. Before having children, she worked at a fabric shop and could tell the quality and durability of a cloth simply by touch. She found great happiness in sewing outfits for her four daughters. Often we’d return home from school to find a new dress or shirt neatly folded on the bed. She sewed because she loved to and she was skilled at it because she worked at it. Every one of her items reflected her pride in craftsmanship and was a work of art.
Be Inclusive: My mother knew how to make people feel comfortable. She’d gravitate to those who seemed out of place or shy. Without being overbearing, she’d draw them into conversation and make them feel included. She’d do this so naturally and unobtrusively, that you’d never know she did it intentionally. She made you feel safe and valued.
Make your own Joy: Joy was an important concept for my mom. She valued it so highly that the middle name of one of my sisters is “Joy.” My mom made her own joy. For example, every few weeks, we’d eat dinner by candlelight “just because.” There was no special occasion other than the family gathering together after a hard day’s work and being safe. Trips to town often meant sitting in a cramped car waiting for my dad to finish running errands. Mom would save her singing for these predictably whiny times. She’d start with old religious standbys to get us settled but by the time dad returned, she’d have us in hysterics with her hearty renditions of “Bill Grogan’s Goat” and “Found a Peanut.” If the house started to look a little drab, she’d go out and find the brightest colour paint to redecorate with. Once she misjudged a paint labeled “Autumn Spice” and we ended up with a bright orange living room until it could be repainted. She didn’t let the drudgery of life get her down; she found her own happiness in the simplest of ways.
Live within your Means: Living on a farm means having an unsteady income. Money is earned only after selling crops or livestock. For long stretches of the year, there is no cash coming in and budgets are carefully monitored. My mom was an expert at knowing how to stretch a dollar. In the car on the way to church, she’d dole out a half of stick of Wrigley’s gum to each of us. A full stick was seen as extravagant and indulgent. The end of summer meant sweltering days in the kitchen canning vegetables from the garden and fruit purchased in heavy crates from roadside stalls. She’d be up before the sun, taking advantage of the fleeting morning coolness. By the time we girls woke up, her pin curls would be frizzy from the humid heat of the mason jars sterilizing in the boiling water. Canning was hard work but it was a cheap way to ensure the family ate plenty of nutritious fruits and vegetables all year long. She always found ways to make sure we got what we needed without overspending.
As parents, we don’t get to choose the memories our children hold on to. Of the million of little interactions, we don’t know which ones will standout in our children’s memory and which ones they will reflect back on as adults. As you approach Mother’s and Father’s Day, take stock of the lessons you’ve learned from your parents and give thought to what you are really teaching your children.
Zainab Dhanani can be reached at z_dhanani@yahoo.ca
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