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Speaking Assertively
1-27-2015
With the approaching of Pink Shirt day at the end of February, the issue of bullying comes into everyone’s awareness again. All adults in the life of a child need to be vigilant against bullies. In bullying situations, adults must intervene. But the fact of the matter is, most daily conflicts a child experiences is not bullying: it’s all part of children learning how to get along. Just as a child needs to be taught reading and writing they need to be explicitly taught how to interact appropriately. Children look to the adults in their lives to learn social skills including assertive communication.
As Muslims our goal should be to raise a generation that honours the innate worthiness of every human being. In surah Al-Maeda verse two we are instructed to, “Help one another in righteousness and piety.” All children want to be good; some just don’t have the necessary skills. They need to learn how to stand against injustice without becoming aggressors. By showing them how to be compassionate without being weak, we provide them with strategies to peacefully resolve conflicts. Balancing the needs of self with the needs of others is like walking on a tight rope with dozens of people—reaching safety depends on everyone being in tune to the needs of the others in addition to their own personal needs.
The key to successful balancing is good communication. Schools are beginning to teach a new ‘language’—one that includes precise vocabulary describing values, feelings, needs and expectations. This language allows individuals to be heard without being dominating. It abandons coercion and replaces it will willing cooperation. It is a sensitive language that listens for what is being said ‘beneath the words.’ It validates basic human needs without judgment or criticism. Humanity will prosper when everyone is able to connect with each other through empathy and mutual trust.
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg talks about the language of domination. Day to day conversations are full of judgment and condemnation. We tend to think in terms of what is wrong with others. We denounce others based on superiority instead of values. We fail to see the basic human needs being expressed and use communication to dominate and subjugate. Even young children internalize the belief that all that really matters is how you are evaluated by others. One’s sense of worth becomes dependent on earning positive judgments and avoiding negative ones. Children become fearful of making mistakes, afraid of embarrassment when trying something new, and nervous about letting others know their intimate hopes and dreams.
This new way of talking doesn’t mean we stop holding people accountable. Rather, it means we change the criteria of evaluating from a narrow-minded right/wrong perspective to one that measures behaviour in terms of fulfilling needs and values of both oneself and others. We stop compartmentalizing and become inclusive.
The first step is to show children how to identify and express emotions. They need help understanding what they are feeling and why. This requires teaching proper vocabulary of feelings. Rosenberg’s list includes over a hundred different feelings such as relieved, proud, glad, sympathetic when our needs are being fulfilled and disappointed, sad, impatient, and discouraged when our needs are not fulfilled. His premise is that all feelings result from whether or not our needs are being met. The more directly we can teach our children to connect their feelings to their needs the easier it is for others to respond appropriately.
Communicating in this direct way is called assertiveness. By teaching children assertiveness we assure they are able to defend their right to be treated fairly and in turn treat others fairly too.
The basic outline of assertiveness often taught to children is:
1. Use positive self-talk and think, “I can do this.”
2. Communicate confidence through body language. Stand tall and look the person in the eye.
3. Use a clear, strong voice that conveys conviction but not condemnation.
4. Say the person’s name. This gets their attention and lets them know what you are saying is important.
5. Specifically say the exact action of the other person, how you feel, what you need, and what you want them to do instead.
For example, if a child has been pushed during a soccer game, the child needs to call the offender’s name, look him in the eye, and say, “You pushed me. That makes me feel unsafe. I need to make sure I don’t get hurt. Respect my personal space.” This type of communicating takes practice. Nonetheless, it is effective and leads to greater harmony. Give it a try!
More information can be found at http://www.cnvc.org/ Zainab Dhanani can be reached at z_dhanani@yahoo.ca
Footnotes: Footnotes: More information can be found at http://www.cnvc.org/ Zainab Dhanani can be reached at z_dhanani@yahoo.ca
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