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Back to School
9-23-2014
Finally, elementary and high school students throughout the province are back at school. For most children (and many parents) it’s a time of anticipation mixed with a bit of anxiety. Gordon Neufeld, author the popular parenting book, “Hold on to your Kids,” has some unique advice on how to make a smooth emotional transition from being home to being at school.
Neufeld’s main message is that children need attachment to the adults who care for them, including their teachers. This applies to children of all ages. Educational psychology research shows that a student who is strongly attached to his or her teacher achieves higher grades, has better emotional control, and is more willing to take on challenges. A positive relationship between your child and his or her teacher maximizes the chance for a successful learning experience.
Obviously both the teacher’s and child’s attitudes play a major role. As a parent, you have the ability to make sure things start of on the right foot. Neufeld stresses that all parents need to play “matchmaker” between the child and the teacher. Your child is looking to you for clues regarding how worthy of respect the teacher is. Conveying an attitude of admiration, acceptance, and trust towards the teacher signals to your child that he or she should do the same.
Start simply by being sure to warmly introduce yourself and your child to his or her teacher. Make small talk. Give compliments. Show enthusiasm. Notice posters or activities set up in the classroom and relate them back to your child. You want to convey to your child that his teacher is someone you approve of, thereby giving him or her permission to also be respectful and cooperative. At the same time, this friendly beginning indicates to the teacher that you are approachable and interested in working together to ensure success.
Even though a child’s teacher plays a major role in his or her development, it’s important for parents to remember that teachers are “visitors” in a child’s life. The teacher – student relationship has a timestamp of a few years at most while the parent – child relationship is lifelong. As a parent you want to continuously nurture a strong bond between you and your child.
Let your child know that even when you are not physically together, you’re still connected. For younger children bringing something sentimental from home often reduces anxiety. But no matter your child’s age you can “bridge the gap” by focusing on your next point of connection instead of the separation. Remind your child of when you’ll see them again and what you will do together. It doesn’t have to be elaborate; a simple, “I’ll see you afterschool and we’ll eat chicken for dinner,” will suffice. Be loving enough to tuck corny notes into a lunch box or textbook. Little reminders of your affection go a long way. Your goal is to protect and preserve your relationship even during times of absence. This sense of connected even when apart helps build resiliency and confidence.
Finally after any separation, let your child know how happy you are to see him or her again. Neufeld calls this “collecting”. Show your delight at reconnecting. Give and get eye contact, a smile and a nod. You want to instantly reestablish your bond in a positive manner. After a hard day of work at school, it’s normal for children to be moody and tired. Don’t let that stop you from taking the lead and being cheerful about being together again. Acknowledge any tough parts of your child’s day and allow time for him or her to decompress. It’s also normal for your child to have a wide range of feeling after a big day at school. Your acceptance without judgment provides a necessary release valve. Don’t get caught up in the drama. Just let it flow and affirm that you care. Usually your child doesn’t need a solution to his or her problems; she just needs to express what has happened within the safety of your love.
Make this school year the best one yet. Play matcher, be a gap bridger and be sure to collect your child’s heart each and every day. Your child is counting on you.
For more information about Gordon Neufeld’s approach go to gordonneufeld.com Zainab Dhanani can be reached at z_dhanani@yahoo.com
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