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Parenting with Wit and Wisdom
6-18-2014
Every discipline has a world-renowned experts and one of my long time favourite parenting guru is Barbara Coloroso. I find myself returning to her work over and over. Her common-sense advice is filled with humour and memorable examples. Take a few minutes to remind yourself about some essential aspects of raising children who are well prepared to face the challenges of living a full life.
We should be teaching kids how to think not what to think. We all want our children to be smart but sometimes we confuse a good memory for intelligence. If all we do is stuff them full of facts, ideas and our pre-made solutions then they appear smart but won’t know how to solve life’s inevitable problems. They will look to others for answers, even to people who don’t have their best interest in mind.
Instead parents and other adults should be buffers in the lives of children. We should constantly be helping them to believe, “I like myself. I can think for myself. There is no problem so great it can’t be solved.” Yes, we want obedient children, but they shouldn’t be complying because they are afraid of dad or want to please mom. Instead, they should choose actions that demonstrate the right thing to do.
Give Choices. Children that never get to make decisions and always obey their parents unquestionably continue to be obedient as teens—only they tend to shift their obedience away from parents and towards peers. They are easily led, do things to please others and follow any authority automatically. Is this what we want?
We need to raise youth who don’t give in to pressure; ones who think for themselves and can stand against the crowd when necessary. We need to build a sense of agency where they feel competent to make sound choices and know how to recover after foolish ones.
It’s often hard for adults to let kids make decisions. Just think of all the ways they can mess up! Coloroso argues that if it’s not life-threatening, morally threatening, or unhealthy, then let it go. This makes her seem like a push-over but actually she upholds high standards by giving the child something to strive for and offering support along the way.
Think, “Which responsibilities are mine and which ones are the kids?” Children don’t have to worry—we do it for them. It’s important to gradually decrease boundaries and increase responsibilities. It’s much easier for us to keep doing things instead of expecting them to do it themselves: easier but far less effective in the long run.
Mistakes will lead to natural consequences that teach. When you make a mistake—fix it. Give encouragement and feedback. “Come on buddy. You can do it. Try again.” Let the child own it, fix it and move on.
Bribes, threats, rewards and punishment all interfere with learning ethical behaviour. Why do we think we can punish a child into behaving? If we can’t punish academic learning then how can we punish behavioural learning? Aren’t we just settling for rote compliance?
Teach your child that some things are just wrong. If you spread an ugly rumour, you can’t get it back. You can try to repair it but the damage will be done. If you show you are willing to do the right thing when the burden is heavy then that is the lesson your child will absorb. Help them to appreciate doing good because it feels good, not to get a reward. A bribe is just a pleasant threat. Even saying something as innocent as, ‘”I’m proud of you,” opens the door for, “If you don’t keep doing things the way I like, I’ll be ashamed of you.”
Use your philosophical tool box. In the midst of life’s ups and downs, save your sanity by remembering three basic guidelines: 1) Kids are worth it. 2) I will not treat a child in a way I would not want to be treated. 3) If it works it must leave my dignity and the child’s dignity intact.
Practice the Tao of parenting. Give your Time, Affection and Optimism. These gifts are more precious than anything money can buy.
And most importantly send these life messages everyday: I believe in you. I trust you. I know you can handle this. You are listened to. You are cared for. You are very important to me.
All of Barbara Coloroso’s books are excellent. Check out: kids are worth it!; Parenting Through Crisis; The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander; Just Because It’s Not Wrong Doesn’t Make It Right and Parenting with Wit and Wisdom. Zainab Dhanani can be reached at z_dhanani@yahoo.ca
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