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Attachment - Filling Your Child’s Cup
4-08-2014
A gimmick used by many fast food restaurants is to offer free refills of fountain drinks. While this offering of unlimited soda obviously has negative health implications, the metaphor of free refills is helpful in understanding the importance of attachment between children and their caregivers. Imagine children as having invisible internal “cups” that get drained by life’s daily upsets and frustrations. Children count on the adults in their lives to fill up these cups. To serve as a reservoir that replenishes feelings of being respected, welcomed, valued, and loved. To remain committed to the relationship even when it gets tough and when the child is acting “unlovable”.
Attachment is an affectional tie that binds people together in space and over time. It sets our earliest foundation for how we perceive the world. It teaches us about love and connection and about limits and boundaries. It is our secure base from which to venture out and explore our ever expanding world. Attachment is emotional. It comes from our survival instinct. We look to those in charge of our care to recognize our needs and to respond appropriately. We rely on our parents, teachers, and other adults in our lives to be able to tune into what we are trying to express through words and behaviour even when it comes out badly – to “get” us.
When attachment is working well, the child looks to the adult for guidance. A trusting relationship allows for learning and developing to happen easily and naturally. Parents are children’s first educators and teachers build on what the parents’ have already established. In fact, you can see the power of attachment when your child has a really good teacher. The teacher puts the child’s emotional worries at ease which allows for defensiveness to fade away and learning to occur. The child recognizes that the teacher is there to lead and willingly follows because there is a sense of safety and competence. The child’s motivation is not necessarily to learn, but to be close to and emulate the teacher. Learning is a vulnerable undertaking, children who have strong attachments at home and at school benefit by having more sources to top up their cups which strengthens their ability to learn.
Filling a cup isn’t about being “nice” or giving compliments. It’s about understanding the needs of the child and the needs of the situation, acting responsively, and being willing to do the work of repair when connection is lost. It isn’t something that happens all at once. It’s the sum total of countless mini-interactions that accumulate over the course of a relationship. It’s about expressing joy over being in each other’s presence even when enforcing a rule or denying a request. Attachment includes setting limits and establishing routines that teach your child how to act with growing responsibility. Loving firmness creates the cup to hold refills. Without boundaries, the refills become an uncontained puddle that can’t be drawn from in times of emotional upheaval. We learn self-care from being cared for and from being taught how to honour others. By having caregivers provide appropriate guidance, children learn how to fill their own cups and how to fill one another’s.
When there is secure attachment, you experience your child as endearing. In Spain, children are seen as the “meringues and éclairs of their culture.” Jennifer Kolari, developer of the CALM method, encourages parents to make their child feel “delicious.” This doesn’t mean that you don’t correct misbehaviour. It means that you understand the adage, “Lose your temper – lose the lesson.” Attachment means being firm and kind. Flexible and sturdy. It holds protecting dignity as paramount and structuring discipline so that self-worth is never jeopardized. Attachment means taking everyone’s feelings seriously – the child’s and the adult’s. If someone is reacting, there is something going on within the person. Understand the validity and importance of the feeling and commit to repairing any damage.
It’s easy to attach to a dependent baby. As our children grow, we tend to forget how fragile they still are and how much they depend on adults to meet their physical and emotional needs. Just as thirst is a natural instinct that tells the body it needs to stay hydrated, children’s quest for attachment with caregivers is normal and keeps their emotional well-being in top condition. Are you dedicated to offering the children in your life unlimited refills of love, enthusiasm, encouragement, and connection? Can they count on you?
To discover more about the concept of filling your child’s up and the importance of attachment, read “Playful Parenting” by Lawrence J. Cohen. Zainab Dhanani can be reached at z_dhanani@yahoo.com
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