 Print
Parenting Styles
3-25-2014
One of the hardest parts of being a parent is figuring out how to best discipline your children. We all want what’s best for them, but sometimes emotions overwhelm reason – both on the part of the child and the parent.
It is helpful to remember that children experience the world through an emotional body. They determine meaning through their emotions, not through their intellect. Their worlds are filled with intense melodrama. Childhood is where we learn to sort out our feelings. At this age, being moody is natural. Experiencing events passionately, both in the positive and negative, helps children register and regulate feelings. They are learning how to be social citizens.
Adults, on the other hand, experience the world through our heads. We seek to understand the logic behind events and interactions. We reason and explain. We persuade and convince. When that fails, we often command or capitulate. We want orderliness and agreement so that life can run smoothly.
The STEP Program – Systematic Training for Effective Parenting – identifies four main parenting styles. Each description below is meant to be an exaggerated caricature. Few parents fall completely within one style, but most of us gravitate to one or another. Does anything sound familiar?
Authoritarian – Brick Wall Parenting
This is the traditional parenting style where the parent is the “boss.” Expectations are high and rules are rigidly enforced. Obedience and good work are rewarded and praised. Punishment is used to correct misbehaviour. Scolding and lecturing are common. Love is conditional and only bestowed when appropriate behaviour is demonstrated. Children learn it is important to please. They may even be afraid of their parent and become resentful over being manipulated through rewards and punishment. An authoritarian style does not build trust, teach personal responsibility, or allow for freedom.
Permissive – Jellyfish Parenting
This style is the opposite of authoritarian. The adults give in to the children’s wishes. No rules are enforced and the children do whatever they want. Often the parents shield their children from what they consider negative influences. If they do get into trouble at school or in the neighbourhood, the parents try to rescue them from any consequences by intervening. Love is shown by giving gifts and privileges. Children in permissive homes do not develop respect and often have trouble getting along with others. They don’t learn to care about the feelings and rights of others.
Neglectful – Self-absorbed Parenting
Some parents are so preoccupied with the demands of life and meeting their own needs that they have little time for their children. Although usually physically cared for, the children are often emotionally neglected. The parents do not take time to understand age appropriate needs or respond fittingly. The children are frequently ignored, rejected, or treated like an inconvenience. The parents are disengaged and undemanding. The children get to decide what to do which often leads to over use of distracting entertainment such as tv, video games, and computer use. Children in neglectful homes typically either grow up too fast and “toughen up” or regress into immaturity in an attempt to solicit care and attention.
Democratic – Backbone Parenting
In this scenario, parents are exemplified as the leaders. There job is to judge situations and determine what is best for everyone involved. Rules are firm yet fair and children are allowed to express their opinions regarding their effectiveness. Children are loved unconditionally and treated with respect. Personal dignity is valued. Parents are warm and responsive without being too lenient. Children are encouraged to make age appropriate choices in order to learn responsibility. Mistakes are treated as opportunities to learn. Rewards and punishments are both avoided. Encouragement is used instead of praise. Children mature into independent and caring adults.
Raising children to be responsible and contributing adults is not easy. We all can benefit from being more reflective regarding our parenting styles and to act with conscious intention. Invest in becoming a better parent. Your children are counting on you.
The STEP Program Parenting Handbook is written by Don Dinkmeyer and Gary McKay. There are three book addressing the differing needs of children at various ages. The Adler Centre in Vancouver offers parenting classes based on the STEP Program http://adlercentre.ca/parenting-workshops/ Zainab Dhanani can be reached at z_dhanani@yahoo.ca
Footnotes:
|